


Sum of My Whole

by gigglingkat



Series: Fanmixes [1]
Category: Dark Angel
Genre: Fan Soundtracks, Fic-Mix, Gen, Kat Overthinks Things, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-17
Updated: 2012-04-17
Packaged: 2017-11-03 20:18:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/385514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gigglingkat/pseuds/gigglingkat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fic mix filling in Alec's character arc up through the end of Season 2.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sum of My Whole

**Author's Note:**

> Trying my hand at one of those "fic-mixes" and I wanted to see what it looks like here on AO3

**Locomotive - Guns n Roses** _(09'er Escape and The Pulse)_  
_Gonna find a way to cure this loneliness_  
Yeah I'll find a way to cure the pain  
If I said that you're my friend  
And our love would never end  
How long before I had your trust again

You used to think of the others differently. Not like a family. No, there was only one group that considered themselves family. They left, royally screwing their extended "family" to the point where the word makes some flinch. You only learned you had a twin the night he betrayed you. 

As you look out among the water tubes, you can see the others. _Platoon. Company._ The word finally comes to you. You haven't thought of them since that night, since the guards showed in the dorms and isolated all of the escapee twins. You notice the girl across from you. Her large blue eyes are glassy. _Guess she failed the lung capacity test_ , you think idly. You wonder if they've upped the time. _Maybe you have to hold your breath for 7 minutes now. Maybe you'll die now too._

You wonder which outcome you should root for.

You're still considering options as the techs bring out the girl and try to resuscitate her. With this outcome, you know what you're hoping for. Let her die rather than be a failure. Since the power and networks from the grid disappeared, failures are the only source of replacement parts available. _Just stay dead_ , you think at the girl with pretty blue eyes. _It's no good coming back now._

The light in your tank turns from red to green, and the lid releases. You break the surface without a sound, thankful for air filling your nostrils. Five minute qualifying limit is still in place, then. It's reassuring on some level to know that there are constants in this world. Not wanting to draw attention, you stay mostly submerged, watching as the girl takes your advice and stays dead. 

This is unfortunate, as you now have a front row seat as Med Ops arrives with a new type of stretcher. It's hideously large and doesn't fit into the space. It's crawling with needles and tubes, and the base of it seems to be its own generator. The girl's body is unceremoniously dumped onto it and the machinery whirls to life, inserting itself into her body, its tubes filling with various fluids with a sickening slurping noise.

The gasp escapes before you can stop it as the monitors suddenly register minimal vital signs. Fortunately, your mouth is still submerged, and the intake through your nose goes unnoticed by the preoccupied technicians surrounding the girl. Unable to resist, you move closer to look at the readings. She's got no higher brain functions, and the machine seems to be doing the bulk of the breathing for her.

The technicians suddenly still, as the machine's lights become more and more green. You don't understand all the departmental bureaucracy speak being bandied about, but you get the idea. Even dead, the failures are kept for parts now. 

And as they all congratulate themselves, you realize that it's made your life simpler. It's shown you your options. Failure isn't one of them. Survival is the only valid one left.

 

 **Bleeding the Orchid - Smashing Pumpkins** _(10 years later)_  
_Blessed my weakness_  
Blessed my wrongs  
As hate forms the sequence  
Of one by one  
As freedoms die easy  
We suffrage the want  
There's clouds in my shower  
Ghosts in my arms  
Youth is where you are  
Faith some sinner's child  
We're bleeding the orchid

You don't know what X5-511 thinks of the situation, but you aren't sure you like it. Granted, the target's wife, Lola, is ... cooperating, so it must be a desirable outcome. Right? But you find it hard to concentrate.

You're calling on all your infiltration training to just keep up with the conversation - flirting, it has definitely progressed to the point of flirting - but there's a pressure in your head. She mentions a piano bar, and the thought of pianos almost brings you to your knees. X5-511 - Biggs - the mission alias was Martin Biggs, and you firmly remind yourself to stay on mission - sees some reaction, but you're certain you've covered it before Lola did. 

Still, the slip-up occurred during a critical mission point, and Biggs saw it. You feel the frisson of fear on your skin. A bad report on the first mission out from reindoctrination is another mandatory three weeks of psy eval. You've already lost enough time.

Biggs responds, and soon you both realize that she is "propositioning" you. _Both._ "Threesomes" having been covered in the mission objectives, you find yourself relaxing. You work better with known parameters. This should be educational, if nothing else.

Days later, you're both alone in the cargo bay of a commercial freight plane, heading for home. Biggs - no, he's X5-511 now - looks over and comments, "They told me 'piano' was a trigger word."

You don't know how to react, so you don't. Fortunately, he understands. When you land, they make you stay in the bay as they debrief 511 up front. The captain is either new to Manticore or doesn't care that your enhanced hearing means you can hear them. He asks 511 specifically if you showed any signs of psy op fallout and you can't stop your eyes from closing.

This is where you fail. 

X5-511 doesn't miss a beat. There are no changes in his biorhythms to detect a lie when 511 says that nothing occurred. He commends you for optimally breaching the target room, which you know means that he's grateful that you got there two minutes early and saved his life.

The captain thinks he hasn't given anything away, but you notice that the guards are no longer casually aiming their weapons at you. You don't know what to do with the feeling welling inside, so you push it down, and when the captain joins you and X5-511 in the car, you join in the "bawdy jokes" at Lola's expense.

Don't care about any of it, not even the part where 511 just saved your life. This is how you survive.

 

 **Left Me For Dead - Rob Dougan** _( The Night Manticore Falls)_  
_You didn't stop to look round_  
You were gone before I hit the ground  
You went on your way  
And no prayer was said  
You left me for dead  
You didn't cover my face  
I didn't merit a communal grave  
You set me aside  
And no tears were shed  
You left me for dead 

You watch Manticore burn from a tree on the high ground. When Renfro assigned you to infiltrate with 452, you'd known that "Max" was on a collision course with Manticore.

It had just never occurred to you that she was strong enough to actually make a difference.

The guards turn the guns on the fleeing transgenics. The radio is crackling with conflicting orders. Your orders to return are clear, but survival means run. Things got worse after the escape, after the Pulse, and after the lab attack last summer. Your imagination fails at what new hell would await your return.

So you won't return. Survival over orders.

It takes you a full two hours to get your mind wrapped around the thought. There's a new voice in your head, mocking and full of derision at your hesitation. _Get a room. Get a woman. Hell, get both. Just getting moving. It's a lost cause, 494. Run. The only options here are failure._

In the end, with no psy ops to get rid of the voice, it's easier to listen to it. You move from the trees.

And right into a patrol. They don't hesitate to open fire. This is where you fail.

As you fall into the leaves, a pair of pretty blue eyes in water come to your mind. You can't quite place them, and you feel the headache from reindoctrination reappear. _Well, at least the bullet that's coming will cure the headache_ , the now disappointed voice notes. And even though you are fairly certain that you're finally having the same psychotic break your twin did, you are comforted to know that you won't die alone in your head.

The bullet never comes. You look around, puzzled. _They don't realize that the shot missed. They thought when you fell that it was the bullet,_ the voice laughs. After a moment, you're laughing with it.

You stop questioning that inner voice and let it do the talking when you find a motel. You get the room and woman, then hole up until the noise from the TV and the whore's moans block out the sound of gunfire echoing in your head. 

This is how you survive.

 

 **Storm Crow - Sara Lynn** _(Hunting Transgenics/Saved by Max)_  
_In the light of day_  
I know all that you say  
Is just a way to keep me caged  
I open up my eyes  
Reach up to the skies  
Storm clouds moving overhead  
My world is crumbling down  
Over my head is a big black cloud  
Say what you will till the night is gone  
Don't turn away until the dawn has come  
Here comes the night, here comes the rain  
Storm Crow flies in painted shades of gray 

Even as the boy falls at your feet, there is a war in your head. You failed, and White knows it. 

White's enjoying the game too much and releases you back out. You know you owe Max for taking down Manticore, and you can even appreciate that the sense of obligation was instilled by Manticore. But it's come down to a choice of murder or failure.

And it is murder. Not assassination or a mission objective - you will murder Max in order to survive, or you will fail. _And it's not like you have a soul to sell, is it?_ The voice in your head is just as bitter and trapped as you are.

There's a flash of hope that it will be the dog-boy, but that's squandered. And then she's there, staring at you with those incredibly dark, beautiful eyes, but all you see is blue eyes in water. The memory overcomes the programming, and you slam the knife into the ground for reasons you couldn't explain, even to the voice in your head.

This is where you fail.

You tell them why.  It seems the least you could do, and you don't let yourself hope too much as Max drags you, cursing you out colorfully the entire time, to see a Manticore scientist. He can and will save you. This is how you -

It isn't how you survive. It's how _Logan_ survives. The weight of it settles in, and you can even accept it, when, impossibly, Max hands over the money and saves your life.

You watch as all the betrayal and heartache fall on her shoulders, and Joshua moves to growl at you. You share a look with him, and he sees something that makes him stop growling, but Max can't stand the sight of you. You can't blame her.

This is how Max fails, and it's your fault that this is the only way you survive.

 

 **The Sinner In Me - Depeche Mode** _(Remembering)_  
_I'll never be a saint_  
That's not a picture that your memory paints  
Not renowned for my patience  
I'm not renowned for my restraint  
But you're always around  
You can always be found  
To pick me up when I'm on the ground

You don't stay away, of course, because you can't stay away owing her that much. _At least pay her back the money,_ the voice reasons. _There have to be other Manticore lab jockeys out there._ You never tell her there aren't.

That's how you fail.

Instead, you come back, and, even though you really do try to stick to the edges of it, you end up entwined in her strange, little life. Plus, there's Joshua, who can see right through you, even though the rest of the world seems able to fool him. Well, maybe not, but the voice in your head has started whispering _family_ in your ear at night, and the headaches are just getting worse.

Until one day, you're in front of a house. and all you can hear is the sound of your own reindoctrinated screams. So, you run, like you always do, but now, you're running to something.

Rachel. They made you forget Rachel. They made you forget _love._ You _let them_ make you forget rather than keep all that pain. It was cowardice, and you hate yourself enough for it that you can stand there and accept the hatred Berrisford is pouring out. Then, you pull yourself together and walk away.

Joshua isn't fooled by it, but at least he doesn't say anything, other than to offer you more mac and cheese. So you eat and work through your days, then grieve and cry through your nights, until even Max asks if you're all right.

And of course you are. You always are. This is how you survive.

 

 **Invisible Sun - The Police** _(This Strange Little Life)_  
_I don't want to spend my time in hell_  
Looking at the walls of a prison cell  
I don't ever want to play the part  
Of a statistic on a government chart  
There has to be an invisible sun  
It gives its heat to everyone  
There has to be an invisible sun  
That gives us hope when the whole day's done 

And somehow, you begin to be all right, in your own little way. There's certainly enough going on in Max's life to let you forget about yours most of the time. Transgenics are being hunted, and the danger of it all is familiar enough that it's almost welcome.

Somehow, it begins to make sense. You keep your distance from the more intimate entanglements, but there are women to woo. Friends are made in their own way. For the most part, if you are quiet enough, you're allowed to exist without interference.

 _Maybe this will work out. Maybe this is how you survive._ And you can't really argue with the voice anymore.

 

 **Last of My Kind - Alice In Chains** _(Learning About Ben and the Cult)_  
_So young, so brazen, so unholy_  
I come to you in painted skies  
Your broken saint, your ancient story  
The living challenge to your lies  
Trapped in the cold outside  
There ain't no shelter  
And they want to force my hand  
Until I take what I wanted  
And break all the lies  
And defeat the fucking liars  
Smash all the temples  
And crawl through the rubble  
And cry to the fallen  
I'm the last of my kind still standing  
I'm the last of my kind still standing on the wall  
The last of my kind still standing 

Max hates herself for her own failures. For Ben, the twin you never knew, the one who betrayed even his escapee family. Max sobs quietly in your arms, and you know how failure feels and wish there was a way to stop that pain. _You want to protect your family,_ that damned voice says. _Is it really so bad?_

And it amazes you how much power that word has on you even after all these years. So you ignore it. Not caring about it is how you've survived, and you won't fix what ain't broke.

Then, the Cult makes its move and all bets are off. The 'Nomalies are exposed, and none of the X5s kid themselves that they are any better. Blending in until you're less than nothing is nothing to be proud of. 

You make the best of it. _Don't you always?_ You create the Transgenic Underground, slowly converting Jam Pony into the largest station of X5s since Gillette sent out the recall for breeders. You get why Joshua wants to move, and you'll even help - move, that is. He's on his own with telling Max.

It's when you're helping him move his painting supplies that you see it. Something probably titled "Joshua 4892229" but it catches your eyes for the large amount of darkness in its core. You've never really understood what the deal was with Joshua's art - _not that you don't appreciate the agent commissions_ \- but maybe you've begun to learn, because something about this one keeps bringing you back.

You ask Joshua about it and learn that even canine DNA allows someone to blush. 

"Alec." Joshua says, refusing to make eye contact and giving the submissive whine that he does when he's about to upset Max.

You think you're braced for it, but the explanation never comes, just a stretching silence. _Why did you even start this conversation? The two of you can't even watch TV together without some surreal conversation about whack things._

Determined, you don't break the silence and Joshua is finally puzzled enough to look you in the eye. A flash of understanding, and then he clarifies, "No, not _you_ , Alec. The _painting_ , Alec. This," he says with a large waving motion encompasses the painting, "is Alec. Remembering."

And now you really can't stop staring at the dark core. Joshua steps between you and the painting, grabs you by the shoulders, and shakes you. Hard. You're startled into looking into his literal puppy dog eyes as he firmly announces, "That is not you now. The darkness is not as strong now, and the bright shiny colors are not just on the outside. You are all these parts, Alec. You are... wholes. Not just this - " the blackness is gestured to, dismissively, "Not just this hole where Manticore tried to dig your colors out."

You don't resist the urge to scratch him behind his ears. A humored growl and scruff on the head lets you know that it's going to be okay. You let yourself feel the warmth of it - y _our family understands_. This is how you fail.

The news just can't get enough of that footage of 511 - _Biggs. Not 511. Biggs. He saved your life. He was your friend._ A war. Is that what this is? Don't they know that winning a war is the _only_ thing Manticore was good at?

You take Joshua and you leave to go find the people who murdered your friend. In the end, you don't kill them because Logan was right - it isn't the people - it's the Cult. 

Let them come. Let them learn how good you are at surviving.

 

 **Learn To Crawl - Black Lab** _(Siege At Jam Pony)_  
_Would you leave me on the side of the road_  
Would you wall crawl up to me, would you talk to me?  
I'm already asking, I'm down on my knees  
I'm already begging, begging you please  
Can you teach me how to fly? (Come on)  
'Cause see I'm scared to die (Come on)  
And I've only just begun to learn to crawl 

It all falls apart so fast and really was there ever any doubt which side you'd end up on? _With the freaks. With Max. With your sad, strange little family. Home._

The confusion and betrayal in Normal's eyes is to be expected. The respect and desire to help from Sketchy and the others is unexpected and warms you, even though you know better. The squad of Familiars that are coming to kill you are so ... _familiar_ , that you would laugh if it weren't so deadly serious. And in the end, it's Manticore that saves you. Focus on the mission and stay in the moment. Not looking for the escape route and just surviving.

Logan comes to your aid. _And he still thinks you're the one best for Max?_ And just like that, you win. _United we stand._

Suddenly, there's an out. _But it's not so sudden, is it? Hasn't it all been building to this? Isn't this why Max has been yelling at you for over a year to think of others? To make connections?_

And it is. Manticore's transgenics are more united than they have been since ... 2009. That's what the feeling you have is. A sense of belonging. A squad, a platoon. An army. A family. _And for once the word doesn't carry any kind of pain, does it?_

_Family is how you survive._

 

 **Edge of the Earth - 30 Seconds to Mars** _(Establishment of Freak Nation)_  
_Stand out on the edge of the earth_  
Dive into the center of fate  
Walk right inside of the gun  
Look into the new future's face 

Of all things, it's Normal holding the baby that finally makes it sink in. It's not a voice in your head. It's not your training. It's not fear of failure. It's _you._ You are X5-494. You are Alec McDowell.

When Max calls for unity, you can't help the slow smile as your fist raises into the air. Survivor, Transgenic or Freak. You're greater than the sum of your whole.

This is how you _live_.

**Author's Note:**

> [DOWNLOAD RAR](http://www.mediafire.com/?6y6pf6pnd1qm047)  
>  ** _Selection Notes:_** (Back when this was a normal mix)  
>  **Locomotive** : To me, Alec is angry over that childhood. Mostly at himself, but all the transgenic adults have a well-deserved sense of bitterness. This song feels as uncaring and fast moving as that to me.  
>  **Bleeding The Orchid** : Bitter and tortured Alec apparently had a threesome with Biggs and a girl named Lola in the midst of it all. I liked the idea that there _were_ moments where the idea of the Manticore supersoldier _actually worked._ It just wasn't worth the price.  
>  **Left Me For Dead** : More bitterness for Manticore, tinged with resignation. Alec has no illusions about what he's worth to them, and that makes me mad. It also works in the reverse. To Manticore, Alec left them for dead - no warnings, no help, no obedience. "But if I'm going down, you're going down with me" - Manticore will haunt its children long after its been disbanded.  
>  **Storm Crow** : Alec, after Manticore falls and Max saves him. Going from someone hunting his own to someone trying to create his own version of a strange little life. Like all the Manticore transgenics, Alec never really seems to feel he deserves happiness. He's always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  
>  **Invisible Sun** : Learning how to hope for better futures rather than dreading worse ones.  
>  **Last of My Kind** : There's a turn in Alec - where he never refuses to help - he just never thinks of doing so until he's asked. He respects what the transgenics in Terminal City are trying to build, he respects what Logan is trying to do - and he's still willing to kill to protect all of that.  
>  **Learn To Crawl** : By the siege at Jam Pony, he's actively helping others when he could run. When it comes down to it, he is loyal to his family and friends.  
>  **Edge of the Earth** : Where the series ends, standing with the transgenics and establishing Freak Nation.


End file.
